A brand new attitude

[Donal McQuillan]

The scene opens in a warehouse. There are plenty of crates and boxes. Big pallets lay on the floor. The place looks like a stockroom. A typical retail back space. Donal stands in the middle of the room. He is wearing a black and white stripped jumper and jeans. It looks like he was familiar with this place. He looks around as if a premonition happened here. Something was realized here, in the last few week Donal has talked about self discovery. So it seems appropriate to bring you back to where it all started. When Donal discovered he was more than a warehouse worker. That’s not where his passion lay. He wanted to on grandest stage of them all. He wanted to be a wrestler. He wanted approval from the fans. He wanted to be a fan favorite. He wanted more than the humdrum of a 9 to five worker; He knew he was better than what he was doing at that moment. He knew he had it in to be more than what he was. He knew something had to change.

Donal: "This place brought me out of my shell. When this job started I was promised that I was going to go far in the company. Three years later I was in still in the same position I was in when i started. I asked time and time for a promotion. I was told it was coming to me, I sat and worked my ass and that promotion never came. So I looked for other opportunities elsewhere. I accesed my options and it came to me that I always loved wrestling when I was a kid, I loved working out. So I tried out for Irish whiplash wrestling and I started working from the bottom. I went to America, which was a scary experience miles away from home and family and friends. My cousin Darren was making a name for himself in snme. He got me an interview with Shawn Michaels. I worked harder than ever to get myself noticed. To cut a long story short. S.N.M.E closed its doors and Roy called me up and asked me to join revolution pro wrestling. I worked my ass ofF to perfect my skills, like everything else in my life the fed closed down. I thought I was done with wrestling. Until one day Stephanie Mc Mahon called and asked to come to the WWE. I thought all my dreams came through at once. This was my big shot to prove to the critics that I could cut it in ring. I had some fairly high profile matches here and some pretty impressive wins. Scott Hall, Taz, Justin Tyger all big names in wrestling business. The fans started to look up to me as the guy who could wrestle and captured there hearts as a true working class hero. My troubles have been well documented. I have put them behind me. I have been relentless, and I will not give up. It not in my nature. If I really gave up on every road block, well that’s not even an option I like to think about, I will not ever give up. Its not even in my vocabulary. I will be champion one of these days. I will prove to world that Donal McQuillan is not a loser. I will hit the big time, I will have the life that I never thought I would have. See when I was at my lowest point I never ever thought I get to this point. I’m not about to give up now."

Donal looks around this place one last time and walks out the door. It like he’s shutting the door on the past. A new chapter has already been begun. He is not the same person as he was when he worked here. He smiles and opens his mouth to speak.

Donal: "This brings to this week challenge. I team up with Jason Magmum once again. Jason we share one victory against taz and mericano. We work well as a team. So let’s bring that team dynamic back against the Brian Kendrick and Edge. Brian we have a history together. I faced you a couple of times and as of yet I haven’t beaten you yet. That proves a challenge to me. You had a recent success as Intercontinental champion. So well done, but I can’t help thinking it’s a rookie luck. See up to now you never faced the real me. I have not really revealed who I am yet. The world has seen a glimpse of part of me. Everyone sees me as the nice guy, fan favourite. See that’s a part of me. I have not shown half the opponent I am in ring, I am one though son of a bitch. I always have to be to survive. So Brian you’re in for a fight. You want to watch your title too. I might decide to come after that one day soon. Some day when you won’t be expecting it, you have been warned. See the thing I don’t really know what I’m capable of. So every superstar is on a warning. Donal of old wasn’t achieving that much. So I’m thinking of changing tactics. I’m going after what I want when I want to. That’s just the way it is now."

Donal looks quite different from what he looked like before, His attitude has changed, this is the start of a new approach. Donal looks quite serious, his once happy go lucky attitude is gone. Replaced with a more street wise, can do attitude, this is start of new era.

Donal: "Now Edge I don’t know you. You’re a talented wrestler but you’re not me. I’m young, I’m experienced. I know my way round that ring. What I lack in experience I make up for in youth. I’m a young talented wrestler and I’m not rookie so don’t write me off as an easy win. People have been doing that my entire life and I’m sick and tired of it. If you’re looking for an easy first match and win you’re sadly mistaken. It will not be an easy win. That’s not going to happen. I have a brand new attitude see the Donal we’ve seen in recent weeks has just stepped up his game. I have a new devil may care attitude and the world is just going to have to deal with it."

Donal walks around the outside and walks up to a sparking new bmw and clicks it open. He opens the door and gets in. He started up the car and starts to pull away.

With that the camera fades to black.

[Donal McQuillan]

Guys i really tried to push myself and i think its shows. The donal character is evovling. It going in new direction. Feedback/Comments welcome.

[Mark Johnson]

There were quite a few spelling/grammatical errors, but aside from that, it was a good role play. I like how you shared Donal's life story, in the form of where he started, etc.

I'm going to go ahead and give it an 8/10

Keep up the good work.

[Donal McQuillan]

thanks mark for the feedback. I glad you liked it. I will. thanks again.

[thatguy]

• You use quite a few sentence fragments.. It's nothing major and doesn't ruin the RP, but it just flows and reads better.. Here's how the first paragraph could be if there were complete sentences:

The scene opens in a warehouse, there are plenty of crates, boxes, and large pallets laying on the floor. The place looks like a stockroom, typical retail back space. Donal McQuillian (You should always use your full name the first time you are presented) stands in the middle of the room, wearing a black and white stripped jumper and jeans. It looks like he was familiar with this place, as he looks around as if a premonition happened here. Something was realized here, in the last few weeks, Donal has talked about self discovery. So, it seems appropriate to bring you back to where it all started, where Donal discovered he was more than just a warehouse worker. That’s not where his passion lay. He wanted to on grandest stage of them all, he wanted to be a wrestler. He wanted approval from the fans, be a fan favorite. He wanted more than the humdrum of a nine to five (You should spell out numbers, unless it's a large number.. It just looks better presented, also, use one or the other, don't mix it up) worker. (A semicolon isn't really needed here..) He knew he was better than what he was doing. He knew he had it in to be more than what he was. He knew something had to change. (This isn't very grammatically correct, but I like it.. It adds more power and conviction to the words)

It just reads better if you don't use sentence fragments..

[/li][li]The speech is alright, but some of it is sort of bland.. It's hard to explain, but it just doesn't seem like something someone in this generation would stand and say..

[/li][li] You should add more details to the descriptions.. This is ironic coming from me, as my RPs rarely have descriptions, but I have reasons for that.. Describe the store, Donal's surroundings, Donal himself.. It makes it easier to imagine to the reader..

[/li][li] For some reason, I like how you put your speech in quotation marks.. I don't know why, but I like it..

[/li][li] You should work on your capitalizations of capitalizable words, like names..

[/li][li] You also should work on your parallel structure..

[/li][li] I've always told you, you have great potential.. You need to work on your grammar, and your wording of your speech.. It's hard to explain on the last one, but, write it more how people actually speak.. Judging on the first paragraph, it seems like you're trying to be more dramatic.. I honestly don't like that.. A lot of people see guys like me and Raven and try to be dramatic like we can be, and it rarely works, and often comes out just looking back.. If you are trying to go more dramatic, work on dramatic writing skills..[/li][/ul][/center][/size]

[Mark Johnson]

Tyger, tell me, are you in an advanced english class in school? lol, you seem to know a lot about writing.

[thatguy]

Jun 7, 2009 19:34:04 GMT -5 Mark Johnson said:

Tyger, tell me, are you in an advanced english class in school? lol, you seem to know a lot about writing.

Nah.. But I did know words in my 8th grade class that neither of my teachers didn't... I felt very very cool..



I was very very wrong..

[Donal McQuillan]

thanks tyger i apprecaite the honest feedback, will work on that it good that you gave me pointers to work on, i was happy with the roleplay in full but it good that you gave me point by point what to work on.